I’m finally feeling like me again! Isn’t it funny how life works out?? Seriously I was in such a depressive down turn for almost a year recently, and I was clueless as to why.
I’m talking my anxiety was keeping me from sleeping, fear of everything would haunt my brain every night. I would be super snappy with my kids and friends. I would find myself stuck, immovable, unable to preform simple tasks such as washing dishes or folding laundry, hell even brushing my teeth was almost too much at times, (No worries I still brushed them). Life was becoming too much, and then Covid-19 hit… Ugh that threw us all an unexcepted curveball. At first it wasn’t too bad, kids were home all day, but that wasn’t so bad. Charlie still had his job, so we were fairly lucky… or so I thought. However the longer Covid-19 went on the harder it became. I’m not a huge social person, but I was no longer allowed to hang out with my friends, my youngest kid still has only seen his friends in person maybe 3 times since March of 2020. This hit me hard. I began to beg and plead with Charlie to move me back to Utah to be with family. I felt so alone here hundreds of miles away from my Mom and Dad, Sisters and all my Nieces and Nephews. I was at the lowest point I had been since I had postpartum depression with my Tango, (that was seriously, dangerously low).
Jump to Oct. 1st, one of my most favorite days of the year! It is the kick off to my favorite time of the year. A little something I like to call “HalloThanksMas”. The holiday season was finally here! I vowed that I was going to throw myself into the holiday spirit and I was determined to have the best Halloween despite Covid-19. I was doing good for the first 3 hours of the day… Then I got a call from Charlie, He had just been let go from his job (so many angry emotions on this subject, but I will let karma do her thing instead of dragging people through the mud). Job loss, is one of those stupid fears that had been haunting me! I lost it! Like, I was so terrified of losing my home, not having any family near me to run to if we needed help, what if he never finds another job??? I mean I couldn’t breathe, I was completely irrational. I had told my mom, I felt like I was grieving. We had been through a layoff before and it hadn’t even bothered me half as much as this one did.
Finally 3 days later I stopped crying! It was a true miracle, crying wears me out. Charlie had hit the ground running, he had already applied for 10 different jobs the first day! He polished up his resume and went to work. He was AMAZING! He didn’t skip a beat, nor did he ever show any doubt that we would be fine. I love that about him, He lifts me up without ever reaching down for me. Then he got the bug of starting up a business of our own, Thus “Whiskey N’ Charlie” was born. We have always loved working together, we started way back in our senior year of high school, we both worked on the daily news show, Bengal Vision. It was a 10 minute daily announcements, and watch us make fools of ourselves kind of a show. That’s where we fell in love, but that’s for another story. So we started up the website, and then the podcast and stickers (which we are still working on). Suddenly I noticed as we had been planning and working a weight was being lifted. I was able to fall asleep without a panic attack, I was no longer begging Charlie to move back to Utah. In fact I was remembering all the quirks I love about our little town. I no longer felt low or blue, and it wasn’t like I was actively doing anything too different then I was doing before. I was happy most days without forcing it or relying on meds to induce those feelings. Finally, I was feeling like ME!
So the shift?!? Yes the shift, I have two main theories on what the shift was. I mean the first is pretty obvious, I was spending all day with my whole little family. I love, love, love my crew! I love spending almost every waking minute with Charlie and creating Whisky N’ Charlie with him has been the best medicine of all! However I believe the second reason for the shift was, Charlie was no longer in a toxic job, he was no longer in a thankless, stress filled job. It’s funny how those things can spill over into our lives. He would express stress and frustration with work, but never expressed just how much that job was killing him. However, now don’t laugh, but Charlie and I are so connected, (like I knew when he was in a car accident in another country before he told me, I knew he had been involved in something life altering when he was Iraq before he told me) we are so connected that without knowing it, I will take on his pain, his anger, his hurt, as he will with me. I was in this low state for as long as Charlie had been miserable at his job. Once that weight had been lifted from him, it was lifted from me as well.
It’s funny how life works, I mean there I was grieving over Charlie losing his job without stopping to think that it might be a blessing in disguise. I had totally forgotten to look for the Silver Lining, I was so focused on my stupid anxiety. Now I am not saying life is happily ever after now, oh no I know better than that. What I am saying is look past the fear, look for those glimmers of light, focus on those. Who knows, Whiskey N’ Charlie may never turn a profit or reach more than 20 people, and that’s ok! I am taking back my life and telling my demons to piss off. I’m shifting my focus, and yes it’s scary, but at least it isn’t keeping me up at night.
Now I know I will still have my low days or weeks, my anxiety didn’t disappear. For now though I won this battle, and that’s good enough for me. I’m taking this life one battle at a time, or at least I am trying too. One step closer in finding my Yeti!
To all my fellow Mental Health Warriors one small nugget from me to you, find joy in the small things, focus on the silver linings. Even when we are facing dark times, there are always cracks of light all around. Find them and hold onto them with all your might. We are worth it, we are needed! Remember: Humor, Authenticity, Positivity, Perseverance, and Yetis!
Finally Feeling Like Me Again!
Love you all- Whiskey